Red Light in my Sanctuary

by Tracy Nneka Osokolo

Tracy Nneka Osokolo is the author of “Red Pepper and English Tea” – ANBUKRAFT Award Winner for Best New Fiction. She was a Resident Writer at the London 2012 Olympics Festival at the Southbank Centre.

How is it possible for your children to have a life different from yours? I mean, in the first decade of their life till they are about 15 years old and done with secondary school, you kind of control what they wear, where they go, what they eat and even who they are friends with. I know I am different but I don’t know if I am happy enough with that difference to allow Fiona endorse it in her life. Since I got married and became her mother I became a hermit, personally and professionally. I realised that many people who knew me liked me for the same reasons that they eventually hated me. From afar I had a glorious portfolio and resplendent personality that they admired well enough to experience. When up front and personal with me, they became shadowed in my sunshine and hated how it made them feel. For peace’s sake, I keep everyone across the ledge and the only people I socialize with are my parents and my clients. Simple!

Fiona is growing and for every new dress I buy her at PEP, I know it means she’d need play dates and sleep overs sooner than I think. I have watched our neighbours for a while and we do keep it civil with the hellos and neighbourhood projects. I don’t reply any wife’s text message and I pretend that they have hit a wrong number each time they dial. When outside, my smile is the widest and I make sure that I send over a Chocolate cake to each family at Christmas.

I’d feel uncomfortable if their friendship invaded my home and emotional sanctuary so I don’t encourage myself or Fiona to go out for a stroll. I stay in when I don’t have to go out and it suits me just fine. However, I’m not sure it suits Fiona’s development so fine. When I Googled, I learnt that she needs friends to enrich her experience of life and to give her a fulfilling childhood. All the Parks in Festac are unoccupied by middle class children nowadays so the only friends that I can trust for her are in school. But that’s not good enough because Apapa is too far from Festac. She needs friends that are healthy for her and near enough for me to walk to their home.

The neighbours should be an option but I would have to learn how to fraternize with them all over again if I picked them. I mean, I can’t keep her locked in forever. She needs the world and its bullshit now so that when she is my age she can choose to either be a hermit or a socialite. This is a decision she can only make when she has had a taste of both sides of the fence, just like I did. My neighbours fit the profile because I haven’t heard that any of them broke the law, did drugs or 419. Their kids are well-spoken, seem properly behaved, attend very good private schools and they take a trip abroad every now and then to broaden their vista, just like Fiona does. I know this is the right step for her, but how am I supposed to convince myself to become friends with people who I don’t want in my private space so that their children can be in my daughter’s private space? Are they really necessary for her social and psychological development?

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