Mothers are very important and crucial players in their children’s development because they form the very foundation of the child’s emotional and psychological growth. So think about it; How was your relationship with your Mum? What was it like? How did it feel? Was it good or bad?
As much as most mothers may have tried their very best to nurture their kids and tried to create and maintain a strong bond, this might not always have been the case. Sometimes a child’s relationship with her mother may have been laced with undercurrents of shame, guilt and obligations. Such a child may eventually carry unresolved insecurity, fear and resentment towards long into adulthood.
Such a strained relationship might even be passed on from generation to generation. However, it is vital that you learn how to treat, repair and reconcile those broken parts within you that still yearn for your mother’s love.
Your Strained Relationship With Your Mum
Was your childhood laced with fear and yet a bit of reverence towards your mum? Did she tend to transfer her frustrations on you but yet you still felt her great level of care and sacrifice for you, even if it meant giving up her own dreams to make sure you, your siblings and the family were comfortable.
“Our Mother-Wounds are traumas that pass down from generation to generation that have a profound impact on our lives. When left unresolved, we pass on the Wounds that our mothers and grandmothers before us failed to heal. These wounds consist of toxic and oppressive beliefs, ideals, perceptions, and choices. Finally, our children repeat the cycle, harming their own children, and their children’s children with centuries of unresolved pain” — Aletheia Luna.
Signs you tend to experience if you had a strained relationship with your Mum:
1- You tend to constantly compare yourself and compete against other females.
2- Sabotaging yourself when you experience happiness or success.
3- Possessing weak boundaries and an inability to say ‘NO’.
4- Self-blaming and low self-esteem. Always feeling that there’s something wrong with you.
5- The inability to speak up authentically and express your emotions fully.
Expectations of Motherhood
On a subconscious level, many children still believe that they were the culprits of their mother’s anger. Society or even religion might have been instrumental in perpetuating the myths of certain expectations from females. On the long run, these expectations might be the source of the tension.
Some of such expectations include; staying at home and giving up their ambitions to become mothers and wives. Holding it all together 100% of the time because “that’s what good mothers do”!
As a result of these intense and super-hero standards, many mums in the past abandoned their dreams, locked away their desires and smothered their needs in favour of meeting the cultural ideal of what motherhood “should” be.
This might have been the underlying factors for breeding rage, depression and anxiety. Sometimes this is then passed on to their children through subtle forms of emotional abandonment and manipulation; which can result in a strained Mother-Child relationship.
Therefore, it is necessary that we realize that no mother can be perfect, no matter how hard they try. It is important to use this knowledge to forgive, and then choose to heal and do better.
The Healing Process from a Strained Relationship with Mum
Harbouring the wounds of a strained relationship with your parents tends to hurt your emotional well being. Follow these tips to help you rediscover the tracks towards your healing path
Stop Expecting Your Mother To Become Who You Want Her To Be
Remember that you can never change who she is, that’s not your responsibility! So stop waiting around to receive the love, support and validation of your mother in the way you desire. Accept her as she is and do not expect more.
It’s absolutely Okay To Grieve Her Absence
Experiencing grief of what you needed is a vital part of the healing process and in my experience, it can last for years. But allow it to happen. It is ultimately good for you.
Find A Source Of Unconditional Love From Within
While you may not have received unconditional love from your mother, you can find it within yourself. Befriend, heal, and nurture the broken child within. Go to the root of your pain and transform old patterns. This might not be an easy work to do but; learning how to love yourself reveals a deep well of endless potentials. You will be amazed at the great power and possibilities that come with self-love.
Note that; breaking free from a strained relationship with your mum has the potential to transform your life. You will be able to set better boundaries, establish healthier relationships, take care of your needs and develop empathy for others.
Lastly, do not be fearful of repeating the same as a mum to your children. When you are able to identify what did not work for you as a child and go through a deliberate healing process, you would be able to craft the type of mother you want to be to your children.