Parenthood is a massive responsibility. Unknowingly a parent can be found guilty of saying damaging things which have lingering effects. Forget the basics of just keeping a tiny human alive, you are also obligated to instil confidence and self-worth in them and make sure they grow up to be sensible, balanced and well-adjusted adults.
But when you’re weighed down with shopping bags in the rain, trying to get back into the house and your beloved child is throwing a tantrum, lets be honest it is hard to keep your cool.
In such moments, out of frustration and irritation many parents resort to flippant comments which can have a lasting impact. Following a line of questioning on Quora, parents have been discussing the most psychologically damaging comments you can say to a child, based on their own experiences.
While some are genuinely disturbing, others are probably throwaway comments one might say without even thinking, but yet they make an impact. See below some comments that people shared had varying lasting effect on them up until adulthood.
You’ll understand one day
Stephanie Unson listed some of the phrases she heard growing up, including “stop being so sensitive” and “you’ll understand when you have kids one day”. She also says that whenever she asked for help, her mum would reply: “NOW what did you do?”
Other comments Stephanie warns against are “What’s wrong with you?” and “Don’t be a burden” – which, she claims, was said to her before she was sent off on school activities or “any situation involving other people.”
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it
Luke Meier, a single father-of-three, argues that any words which “completely demean his or her efforts and talents” are high on the list of what you shouldn’t say to children – “especially if uttered while the child is trying to impress you or receive praise.” He gives the example that if your child is learning violin and you constantly tell her to “shut that thing off ” so you can watch TV, they will “never forget that.”
Luke adds that “the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child is a lie that they find out later was not true. If this pattern repeats enough times, it will be very psychologically damaging.”
David Hunter insists that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. He wrote: “Children are very sensitive to inflection and mood in parental delivery. Probably more so than they are sensitive to content.”
According to Karl Ngantcha, saying nothing at all is still more psychologically damaging to a child. He adds: “By nothing I mean not talking, communicating or interacting with your child at all. At as young as few months, children depend on daily interaction with their mother or father.”
Never belittle their suffering
Parent Miranda Marcus suggests that you should never make fun of your child or belittle their pain or suffering – however trivial you think it might be.
Bringing up their personal failures in front of relatives is not advisable as it embarrasses the child. [Read: 5 things parents shouldn’t let children do]
Do not be over-controlling
Others warn not to be “over-controlling”, such as forcing the child to eat something they don’t like,and not to compare them directly with siblings or other children.
Using unloving language
Other users pointed out phrases that are more obviously damaging to a child . Ellen Perkins wrote: “Without doubt, the number one most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child is ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘you were a mistake’.
She concludes: “But even more importantly, whatever words are used or implied through a parent’s behaviour, it is the feeling of being unloved that does the damage.”
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As a parent while you go thorough your emotions and real life issues on a daily basis, cast your mind back to things that were said to you as a child which still have lingering effects on you today. So remember that the way you interact with your child will have lasting effect – make them positive moments. Whenever the pressure of the daily grind gets overwhelming you can give yourself a time out or a break to get your emotions under check so your child does not suffer your outbursts.
Culled from mirror.co.uk
photo source: englishharmony.com, itsitville.com
