A to Z Parenting Tips starts with “Authority” – Does your child respect Authority?
You: “Please put your things away.”
Your child: “I’m busy. I’ll do it later.”
You: “You need to do your homework.”
Your child: “It’s stupid. I’m not doing it!”
You: “You’re not allowed to go to that party. You’re grounded.”
Your child: “NO! I’m not grounded! I’m going!”
Does it ever feel like your child or teenager has an answer for everything—and usually takes the exact opposite position on what you’ve just said? Many kids struggle with authority and or have trouble following rules, complying with limits or generally disrespectful to others. Some wear their defiance on their sleeves and are angry in their refusal (How dare you tell me what to do?!). Others are more subtle and simply “dig their heels in.”
“Why do some kids fight so hard against authority, as if giving up control is equal to drowning?”
What’s Your Child’s Style of Defiance?
On the other hand, defiance may be hard to pinpoint. Your daughter appears to follow your rules initially, but then goes behind your back and does something completely different. The fight doesn’t come when the directive or rule is given but instead it comes later, after she’s been caught disobeying. Whatever a child’s style of defiance may be, it can leave parents, teachers and other authority figures feeling frustrated, angry and unsure how to respond.
Why do some kids fight so hard against authority, as if giving up control is equal to drowning? Possibly because that’s exactly how it feels to them. We often look to the why in order to figure out how to change the behaviour. Personality can certainly play a role – some people hate rules and authority their whole lives. Other factors can include depression, anxiety, ADHD or other conditions that may contribute to a child struggling with behaviour.
Adults often spend a great deal of time trying to identify potential triggers to a child’s defiance. In fact, there may be multiple triggers: being told “no,” facing a limit or rule, or feeling jealous or uncomfortable can certainly contribute to defiant behaviour. Professionals use the term Oppositional Defiant Disorder (O.D.D.) to describe a child whose defiant behaviour has escalated to the point that it has become a pattern.In some cases, we may never be able to determine exactly why a child is making certain choices or behaving a certain way.
The Real World Vs. Your Child on Authority
It can be helpful to identify triggers to educate and support your child so she might change her behaviour. But the fact is, the world and society aren’t going to go out of their way to avoid “triggering” your child during the course of her life. Regardless of the reasons we struggle, society has expectations. As parents, it’s our job to prepare our kids for life in the Real World. And the Real World often doesn’t take kindly to individuals who constantly challenge and defy authority.
So what can we do, as parents trying to raise a child into a productive member of society—a person who thinks for themselves, yet isn’t always fighting authority or refusing to comply with rules?
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Don’t fall into the trap of excuses and blame.
When an issue comes up with your child, stay focused on the topic – your child’s behaviour and the potential consequences. For example, your child might say, “I didn’t do my homework because the teacher didn’t explain what we were supposed to do.” He blames his refusal to do homework on his teacher, and says the teacher doesn’t treat him fairly in class.
Our advice to his parent: Try not to get caught up in the idea that Johnny’s teacher “isn’t fair.” There’s lots of injustice in the world and Johnny will encounter it frequently – as we all do in real life. Stay focused on the behaviour (Johnny’s refusal to do his work) and the potential consequences (failing his class). You can say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your teacher for the fact that you didn’t do your homework…but it is your responsibility.”
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Don’t fall into emotional traps.
It’s easy to get caught up in the emotion of your child’s defiance. They are upset so you are upset and sometimes teachers or other adults are upset. Again, it takes the focus off the topic at hand. Don’t personalise what your child is saying or doing—just stay as objective as you can and focus on the matter at hand.
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Teach your child to think.
Kids who defy authority are often reacting to adults and rules, rather than making conscious, deliberate choices. They don’t take time to think their actions through to what the potential consequences might be for their behaviour. Weighing decisions and consequences, creating a list of pros and cons and then making a well thought-out choice is one of the most valuable skills your child can learn.
It’s never too early to start teaching your child how to evaluate situations. So the next time she makes a comment like, “I’m not going to study for the test,” instead of getting caught up in emotion (which is natural for parents), ask her questions instead: “What might happen if you choose not to study?” If she responds with, “Nothing,” try to stay calm and continue with questions rather launching into a lecture or fight. You might ask, “Could you get a lower score, or even fail the test—or the class?” The point of the questions is not to interrogate, but to teach your child to think rather than react.
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Remember that consequences are a part of life.
Whether they are natural consequences – something that occur naturally as a direct result of your child’s actions – or consequences that you provide, it’s how your child will learn about life. Allow them to occur even when your instincts shout out to save your child from being uncomfortable.
[Tweet “To be a leader in the future you must learn to obey today”]
Authority and School
School offers daily opportunities for conflict when a child defies authority. You might think of school as a preparation for the future workplace environment your child will potentially encounter. There are principals, teachers (bosses) and peers (co-workers). There are rules, expectations and rewards.
- Remember: school is your child’s job, not yours.
Whenever possible, allow your child to remain responsible for his or her behaviour and performance. As a parent, you can encourage and support your child. Remember, your child is learning habits for a lifetime. In fifteen years, his co-worker won’t write his reports for him!
- Keep the focus on your child when communicating with the school.
When a child defies authority, teachers and principals may try to hold you accountable for her behaviour. Why? Because your child doesn’t care (or is acting like she doesn’t). School staff will look to someone who does care, in order to change the behaviour. Often, that turns out to be the parent. If you find that happening, redirect the focus back to holding your child accountable as much as possible.
One final note on Authority: While we want to raise children who obey rules and respect authority. We are not trying to stifle children,we want our children to learn to be “critical thinkers.” The key is to encourage independent thinking while also teaching our kids to be respectful of authority and think through the consequences before they act.
“Remember to be a leader one day and give orders, children must learn to be able to obey and take orders today. Learning authority starts from the home”.
Culled from:Kim Abraham www.empoweringparents.com
