After the Cornell case has been reopened, it is clear that parents needs to rethink what they need to teach their children about consent, protection, and sexual culture.
It is not just about the story that has recently made national and international headlines, nor is it strictly about Cornell University. Rather, this case opens up the very raw and essential conversations about sexual assault and consent. It also brings attention to the individuals in the background who quietly become victims of these environments.
The uncomfortable lesson from Cornell is not simply “teach our daughters to be careful.” As parents, we have to teach our sons what consent actually means, and how to navigate situations involving alcohol. In addition, we must explain why staying silent when something goes wrong makes us complicit. We must teach all our children how alcohol and drugs complicate vulnerability, and we must teach young people that what their friends do, say, or share in private matters just as much as what happens in public.
What is particularly critical and perhaps not being discussed enough is the culture surrounding this incident.
The Reality Behind the Headlines
According to reporting, newly surfaced Snapchat messages allegedly showed fraternity members discussing a young woman in deeply objectifying and derogatory terms. At the same time, the District Attorney’s office noted that the woman’s original 2024 account described her drug and alcohol use and sexual activity as voluntary and consensual. However, her civil lawsuit presents a substantially different account. The DA has since reopened the investigation and intends to present the case to a grand jury.
The truth is that we should not need a courtroom verdict to have an honest conversation about the behaviours and attitudes that make sexual violence possible. While the legal case moves through the court system, several realities are already clear:
- Inappropriate and degrading actions occurred.
- A young woman was discussed in horribly derogatory terms within a private forum.
- Group dynamics encouraged young men to partake in and normalize toxic sexual behaviors.
- The lines between consent, pressure, and non-consent were severely blurred.
There are multiple overlapping issues at play here. Perhaps the most concerning dimension is the sheer number of young women who are stepping forward to speak about being victims of sexual assault and feeling that they did not receive the support, justice, or treatment they deserved.
While none of us know exactly how this specific legal process will end, every parent can and should be having these critical conversations with their children today.
5 Essential Lessons Every Parent Must Teach Their Children
1. The Core Question Parents Should Be Asking
Instead of asking, “Have I taught my daughter how to avoid dangerous men?” ask yourself “Have I prepared my child to recognise consent, coercion, vulnerability, pressure, disrespect, and unsafe group dynamics?”
This simple pivot immediately moves the framing away from victim-blaming. It shifts the primary focus from asking young women to navigate dangerous spaces. Now, the focus is on ensuring all young people understand accountability, character, and safe behaviour.
2. Consent Is Active (Not Simply the Absence of “No”)
Defining what consent actually is remains a vital conversation to have with teenagers. Also, many young people have absorbed a very skewed script from pornography, social media, music lyrics, peer groups, and popular culture.
Consent is NOT:
“She didn’t say no.”
“She went upstairs to the room.”
“She kissed him earlier or was flirting.”
“She had sex with him on a previous occasion.”
“She was drunk.”
“She chose to attend the party.”
Consent IS an active, mutual, and ongoing willingness to participate. Also, consent given for one specific act is not automatically consent for something else, nor does it grant blanket permission for future encounters.
3. Intoxication Deserves a Much More Serious Conversation
This is one of the most complex issues highlighted by the Cornell case. Parents often have baseline conversations with teenagers about the dangers of drinking or drug use. However, the message needs to extend far beyond a generic “Don’t get drunk.”
Young people need to understand that if someone becomes significantly impaired, their personal vulnerability changes drastically. Also, their legal and moral capacity to grant consent vanishes.
This introduces a second, non-negotiable lesson, particularly for young men which is that someone being intoxicated is never an opportunity to take advantage of them. Instead, it is a reason to stop.
Cornell University’s own sexual-violence prevention initiatives now explicitly integrate alcohol education alongside consent training because of the direct relationship between heavy alcohol consumption and sexual assault among students. Equipping young people with this understanding is far more protective. It is better than simply telling young women to “watch their drinks.”
4. The Missing Conversation with Boys
Overall, society spends an enormous amount of energy teaching girls how to navigate the world safely. Common guidance given to young women includes:
- Don’t walk alone at night.
- Don’t drink too much.
- Always watch your drink being poured and held.
- Don’t go to a guy’s room alone.
- Share your live location with friends.
- Use a safe code word.
- Keep your phone charged and in hand.
While these can be practical safety strategies, where is the equivalent ethics and safety curriculum for boys? We must explicitly teach young men that
- Incapacitation: If she is extremely intoxicated or impaired, sexual activity is completely off the table.
- Intervention: If your friend is trying to take advantage of someone who cannot meaningfully consent, you must step in and stop it.
- Digital Decency: If a group chat is sexualizing, dehumanizing, or rating a woman, you do not participate or encourage it.
- Moral Independence: If a friend says, “She’s up for it,” you do not outsource your moral judgment to your peers.
- Boundaries: If someone says no, hesitates, appears confused, or changes their mind, you stop immediately.
Being a good man is not simply about refraining from committing an assault yourself. It is equally about what you choose to do when you witness another person crossing a line.
Girls should not carry the full burden of preventing sexual violence, and boys should not grow up without explicit instruction on what respectful behavior looks like.
5. The Group Chat Is Part of the Story
The alleged Snapchat messages matter not simply because they may serve as evidence in a criminal investigation, but because they expose the broader peer culture that every parent must address.
One aspect of modern youth culture that parents frequently underestimate is the environment cultivated inside private digital spaces. While these online conversations may feel invisible to adults, they are actively shaping norms and expectations among peers.
We must ask ourselves and our children these questions
- What happens when young people constantly talk about girls merely as bodies or achievements?
- What happens when sexual conquest becomes a status symbol among friends?
- What happens when humiliating someone becomes a form of digital entertainment?
- What happens when a group normalizes language online that would be unacceptable face-to-face?
Digital behavior is still behavior. A group chat does not exist in isolation from an individual’s character, and the phrases or attitudes young people practice online directly influence what they come to view as acceptable offline.
In psychology, the online disinhibition effect explains how digital environments cause individuals to engage in actions online that they would usually not do in person. Discussing a fellow student in vulgar, demeaning, and transactional terms shows a massive empathy deficit and a level of detachment. As digitally savvy parents, we must help our children recognise that in online group chats, empathy can vanish. Additionally, toxic environments can thrive rapidly because people feel detached from real-world consequences.
As digitally savvy parents, we must help our children recognize that in online group chats, empathy can vanish and toxic environments can thrive rapidly because people feel detached from real-world consequences. Share on X
Furthermore, consent does not end when an interaction moves online. Sharing, forwarding, or saving someone’s intimate image without their explicit permission is a severe violation, and young people must realise that digital choices carry real-world harm and serious legal consequences. A Snapchat conversation is not separate from real life. Today, the group chat is part of the modern playground.
Moving Beyond Digital Monitoring to Internalized Values
As parents, we cannot protect our children from every potential scenario. Eventually, they leave our homes for university, attend parties, date, make mistakes, and interact with people whose values we cannot control.
Our goal as parents cannot be to raise children who are only safe when their parents are physically present. Instead, our goal is to raise young adults who can independently recognise risk, exercise sound judgement, respect boundaries, seek help, and protect others.
Parents must transition from relying purely on digital monitoring to helping children internalise core values. Consequently, children will have the courage to speak up and take action—even when the majority of their peers are doing the wrong thing.
Parenting Checklist: Before Your Child Leaves for University
Before sending your child off to university or independent life, evaluate whether they can confidently answer these fundamental questions:
[ ]Understanding Consent: Do I know that consent must be active, continuous, and can be withdrawn at any moment?
[ ]Recognizing Impairment: Do I understand that an intoxicated or impaired person cannot grant legal or moral consent?
[ ]Identifying Coercion: Do I recognize what pressure, manipulation, and coercion look like in practice?
[ ]Silence vs. Consent: Do I understand that silence, passivity, or lack of resistance does not equal consent?
[ ] Past Interactions: Do I realize that previous sexual activity or a past relationship does not grant ongoing consent?
[ ] Active Bystander Intervention: Would I step in if I saw a friend attempting to take advantage of someone vulnerable?
[ ]Supporting Peers: Would I know what to do and how to respond if a friend disclosed a sexual assault to me?
[ ]Family Trust: Would I feel safe calling my parents at 2:00 AM in a crisis without fear of being immediately judged or blamed?
[ ]Campus Resources: Do I know where to find medical help, confidential reporting, and counselling services on my university campus?
[ ]Digital Responsibility: Do I understand that sharing, saving, or forwarding intimate images without explicit permission causes real harm and carries legal consequences?
Raising Prepared, Empathetic Young Adults
Parents should not use high-profile cases like Cornell to frighten their daughters about men or to teach their sons that every social interaction is dangerous. Instead, use these public moments as meaningful teaching tools to discuss consent, personal accountability, safety, respect, and moral discernment.
Our children eventually step beyond our direct care into environments we cannot monitor. We cannot be present in every dorm room, at every party, or inside every group chat. But we can ensure we send them out with a firm understanding of consent, the confidence to set boundaries, and the courage to intervene when something is wrong.
Protecting our children means teaching them not only how to avoid becoming victims, but how to act with integrity, empathy, and courage whenever they see someone else in harm’s way.
Related Resources on LagosMums
Teach Your Child How to Prevent Sexual Abuse
Understanding Online Safety and What Parents Need to Know About Intimate Image Abuse
Sexual Harassment: Breaking the Myth of ImmunityÂ
Keep up to date with the Cornell investigationÂ
