Our LagosMums Mum of the Month for October is Adeola Kingsley-James. A multifaceted woman who embraces various roles in her life with grace and enthusiasm. She believes that you need to love yourself so you can love other people.
Meet Adeola Kingsley-James: Our LagosMums Mum of the Month
Please tell us about yourself. Can you share more about all the hats you wear?
My name is Adeola Kingsley-James. I am a Life Giver, a kingmaker and a love being. As a life-giver, I work as a therapist and clinical hypnotherapist and if you give me the permission to, I will give you your life back. As a kingmaker, I work in the television industry, and I have worked in this space for 2 decades so I have made kings and queens and will still make more.
Share one unexpected thing about you.
I’m very mushy and can be extremely flirtatious.
Tell us about your beautiful family.
I have a blended family. A husband, two step kids and one biological child. So, we have a blended family, and we are doing very well. My husband is a fantastic man, my son is 19 and my two daughters are 16 and 7.
How did you meet your husband and how long have you been married?
I have been married for 9 years and I met my husband a long time ago. We were first friends for quite a bit and romance sprung up after about 10 years. We rekindled our friendship, which led to romance, which led to marriage.
Do you and your spouse have the same parenting style?
To be honest, I don’t know. I think we have a few right now that may be the same style which is dialogue. I used to be more combative because that was how I was raised, but that changed to having more dialogue. Do I still sternly tell people what to do? yes! but I have a dialogue around it. And, my husband is also very big on dialogue so, if we have any parenting style that aligns, it’d be the way we use dialogue.
I used to be more combative because that was how I was raised, but that changed to having more dialogue. - Adeola, LagosMums Mum of the Month Click To TweetCan you tell us one of the funniest things your child(ren) has done?
So, I once had this conversation with my daughter:
Daughter: Mum, you are a terrible mother.
Me: Thank you, and I continued sleeping.
Daughter: Don’t you want to be a good mother?
Me: I thought it was an avenue for us to have a conversation and so I said, who is judging me? It depends on who is judging me. Tell me why I am a bad mother.
Daughter: Because you don’t like to give your children things.
Me: Fantastic! However, is that really true?
Daughter: Hmmm, okay sometimes you don’t give your children things.
Me: Does that then mean I’m a good mother sometimes?
Daughter: Yes.
Me: That is good enough for me.
That was really funny because she was trying to guilt trip me, unfortunately, she was talking to the wrong person and she still didn’t get what she was asking for at that moment because I had said she would get it another time.
What do you love the most about your work and all the many expressions of your purpose and passion?
I love the fact that I am in the midst of people always and I can help shift the mindsets of people through community, connection and content because those three words, encapsulate what I do in the television space and also in the therapy space. And so, I really love that I can be free, I can have the kind of friendships that I want. I can choose my friends and my community and I can also love freely from the bottom of my heart without any reservations. I love that!
Share with us what you love most about your work as a Rapid Transformational Therapist
I think for me one of the best parts of this is when I see people coming to me with their faces down and in tears and by the time I’m done working with them, they leave me with smiles and hugs and they are so grateful and thankful for what I’ve been able to do for them. First of all, they are blown away with what they find out and on top of that they are also so grateful for what I’m able to make them understand and change them. That for me is receiving my flowers while on earth.
How important is a support system for a mum? Who is in your tribe and what kind of your support do you have?
It’s so important! You can not have a support system without people around you. I learnt very early. I don’t have to do everything, and it’s okay if people see me however they see me as long as I don’t see myself that way. So, if people say, I am a useless mum, I say thank you because that is your opinion. So, I learnt how to take out shame, blame, and guilt from my life completely. So, I really lean on my support system, and I allow my support system to do the things they need to do their way. It doesn’t have to be my way. So, the moment I released control of things having to go the way I want it to go, I started to find peace.
I have all kinds of people. I have my community members who are my support system which are my Owning My Greatness Tribe members. I have my husband, I have my children, I have a house manager, I have a gateman, I have a driver, I have my colleagues, I have my mum, I have my siblings. I have support everywhere I go, and I naturally see the entire universe as a support system for me because the stars always align for me when I need it to.
What are some ways that children and parenting are different from when you were growing up and now?
You know when I was a child, we were not given permission to speak to our parents. They said children are meant to be spoken to. I was commanded and bullied my entire childhood, let me put it that way. But I was also a very rebellious child so maybe they felt that was the best way to manage my rebelliousness.
I think personally that there is more dialogue now that we are having with our children and giving them more opportunities to speak. At least for me, having learnt that children are just little humans, but they are humans regardless with their own wants, desires, needs, and requirements. They have feelings, my daughter will say to me, your feelings are your feelings, and my feelings are my feelings; and I’d say to her, you’re so right.
my daughter will say to me, your feelings are your feelings, and my feelings are my feelings; and I’d say to her, you’re so right. - Adeola, LagosMums Mum of the Month Click To Tweet
Times have changed, because now I allow my child to question my ideologies, question my values, question my beliefs in life. So, for me that has really changed; I was told what to do without questioning. Now I listen and I reason with my kids as well. Has it completely come out of my system, no! but I am much better than I used to be, and I see a lot of parents now making the effort to be friends with their children and doing a lot of things with their children that our parents didn’t do with us.
How are you raising your children to be ready for an ever-changing world?
Well, I mean hey, they understand that you must keep learning and keep growing. They see me as an example, and they see and know that I am a learner for life. So, because I constantly learn and constantly grow, they also know that it’s important for them to do the same. I personally believe that if you want to teach your children anything, do it first and then they’ll catch it. So, because I’m also always evolving in this ever-changing world, my children also tap into that space and do the same because they see that I am doing it.
I personally believe that if you want to teach your children anything, do it first and then they’ll catch it. Click To Tweet
How do you balance work and parenting? Is it possible to achieve this?
Absolutely! I don’t call it balance. I call it a dynamic dance. I believe that I will not be good at everything at the same time and I’m okay with that. So, when I’m a mother, I’m a mother; when I’m a boss, I’m a boss; when I’m a therapist, I’m a therapist, when I’m a friend, I’m a friend; when I’m a daughter, I’m a daughter; when I’m a sister, I’m a sister.
I know how to remove a hat and wear another hat. You know, so for me when I’m a parent, I’m a parent. I’m doing what I need to do as a parent. I believe you can be everything but not just at the same time and that is how I operate. I’m not just a mum, a wife and a stepmother but I also work full time for somebody and I also run my own businesses as well. So is it possible, absolutely, I am a living testimony.
What inspired you to venture into being a transformational therapist?
Oh! Therapy found me I didn’t find therapy. It was based on what was happening at the time in my life, where I found myself and not liking the way I found myself. I had to seek therapy and seeking therapy for me was what gave me the strength and the transformation that I needed.
After going through rapid transformational therapy, and seeing what it did for me, I thought to myself, if this could have done this for me imagine how many other people I can help and so I went to train for it. So, that’s why I say therapy found me I didn’t find it or go looking for it. But I heeded the call of therapy, and it became a calling for me, it’s not even a job, it’s a calling and I’m so happy that I was obedient to the call and I am living the life of my dreams.
Can you share what surprised you the most about being a coach? What would you advise other mums out there?
I’m often surprised by how people excel at identifying what they don’t want but struggle to pinpoint their true desires. It’s intriguing, and some individuals I thought would know better also face this challenge.
For fellow moms, my advice is to prioritize continuous growth and learning. Remember, you’re not a static mountain; you can evolve and adapt. Shed the heavy burden of shame, blame, and guilt, as they only serve to weigh you down, disempower you, and lead to self-doubt, illness, strife, and resentment. Seek support—consider therapy, counselling, or coaching. Everyone, including therapists, benefits from having a support system.
I genuinely believe that all moms should prioritize seeking support. Even Superman takes off his cape from time to time; you’re not superhuman, you’re human, and that means you have human limitations. However, your spirit is boundless, residing within your human body, which requires support. Embrace this knowledge, connect with your inner spirit, and accept the assistance. Allow others to do things their way; it doesn’t always have to be your way. Remember, you are already exceptional just as you are; live in that knowledge today.
I genuinely believe that all moms should prioritize seeking support. Even Superman takes off his cape from time to time; you're not superhuman, you're human, and that means you have human limitations. Click To Tweet
What has motherhood taught you about yourself?
It has taught me all my limiting beliefs and how I was the major critic in my life. Even as a stepmother, I didn’t know how damaged I was until I became a stepmother and then a mother and so for me, it showed me exactly all the places where I needed to work on for myself to show up as a better human being and then a better mother. So, motherhood has changed my life completely from who and what I used to be to who and what I am now.
Use one word to describe one thing that should not be missing from every home
God!
God should not be missing from every home. I am talking about spirituality, that is one thing that must not be missing from every home. Because we come from that space and without spirituality in our lives, we would never feel complete. We may think we have it together, but we don’t. Having that deep relationship with God, knowing God for yourself and not who anyone else said he is.
Share Your Experience with Raising a Blended Family
A blended family is a beautiful space, it’s a space that if you get to know your place you will live a very fruitful life in that space. And so, I know that as a stepmother one of the first things that you need to do is to understand your environment and love yourself. Otherwise, you are just going to be in for a terrible ride. You need to love yourself so you can love other people; because hurt people hurt people. But hurt people first hurt and so if hurt people hurt people; then loved people love people. And so loved people love, right? And so, if you’re loved you will love and if you’re hurt, you will hurt and that is the experience that I had and I have in my blended family.
And so, if you’re loved you will love and if you’re hurt, you will hurt and that is the experience that I had and I have in my blended family. - Adeola, LagosMums Mum of the Month Click To TweetDifferent people will experience different things in different ways; there will be different points of view from the husband to the wife to the children to the stepchildren, to the stepfather to the stepmother. It’s going to be a lot of things, but the first thing is, is there congruence and alignment going on within you, is there a huge amount of self-love and do you love yourself so deeply that you can spread that to others?
Share one self-care tip
I prioritize self-care by knowing when to disconnect and carve out “me time.” Sometimes, I venture out alone, allowing space for self-reflection and personal pursuits without interruptions. Reading and learning are my sources of joy, often becoming my happy place.
How do you Relax and Spend time with yourself?
I cherish my solitude, revelling in my own company, and find relaxation in moments of shutdown. Whether it’s binge-watching television or simply unwinding and resting, I understand the value of enjoying my own company. I firmly believe that if you can’t relish your own company, you might be in bad company elsewhere.
Can you tell us how you stay Stylish and your Beauty Routine?
I don’t follow any beauty routine; my skin is naturally phenomenal, a gift from my parents. I don’t use any specific products. My mother, at nearly 70, still uses Vaseline, so I expect to have fantastic skin for life.
To maintain my style, I underwent a consultation with a stylist to discover the best colours, clothing styles, and even makeup choices that complement my features and skin undertone. I’ve embraced a unique style that I create myself, not conforming to conventional standards. I even learned to sew so I could make the clothes I love, often favouring asymmetrical and unconventional designs.
What do you love about LagosMums?
I think LagosMums is doing a lot for mums and giving mums the opportunity to know that they are not alone and see that other people are going through almost the same things. Maybe in a different way, but they are also coming out of it strong. So, I like LagosMums for keeping women and mums knowledgeable and abreast of the things they need to know to stay great mums.
#Mumsgoal Trivia
○ N1 Million or more sleep?
More sleep
○ Would you prefer to go on a shopping spree or an all-expense-paid trip to your dream destination?
An all-expense-paid trip to my dream destination.
○ Homeschooling or traditional school
Traditional school
○ A spa day or Eat out?
It depends on how I feel that day, but I’d probably choose a spa day over eating out.
Connect with Adeola @diyolakingsleyjames on Instagram
Catch up on other LagosMums and their amazing stories of motherhood, career, life and more here in the Mum of the Month Category