We all have a past we are scared of, proud of or want to avoid at all cost. What we become and what drives us is largely a result of our past, its limitations, abundance and inadequacies. A lot of people especially women have pushed past the boundaries set on them and have achieved unprecedented success in various areas of their lives.
How does one strike a balance between being inspired by her past and not being driven by the fear of it? Swinging to the other extreme of doing all you can to avoid your past may be unhealthy for you and those around you. Whenever what you’re doing isn’t sustainable or just to impress others, you need to stop and ask yourself again if your fear of the past is inspiring you or merely haunting you.
Let’s consider a few mums, what they do, you be the judge. Are their actions justified or they are hiding behind something much more than the ordinary eye can see? You might think these are your neighbors, friends or colleagues but before you point an accusing finger, we are all guilty of raising our kids with lots of knotty strings from our past.
A mum drives her kids to so many extra-curricular activities each week. They are barely done at school, while they change their uniforms, there’s a sandwich in one hand as they make their way to piano lessons. It’s only forty-five minutes so mum waits in the car chatting away on Facebook and Instagram. As soon as her child is done, he’s whisked away for tennis lessons.
One wonders where our kids are headed to with an overcommitted schedule and no respite in sight. There’s no harm in kids picking up one or two activities after school but if there is a competition among parents or a pressure to become the first child to play the violin at five, then that’s a problem. Most parents want to live their dreams through their kids. These parents feel they were disadvantaged growing up and will stop at nothing to give their kids all the opportunities even if they can’t afford it.
If your mum or a close female friend suffered physical abuse or domestic violence, you’ll want to protect your kids especially if they are girls by signing them up at karate lessons. Many parents driven by fear want their kids to be able to defend themselves in the event they aren’t there for them. These very innocent kids are clueless why they are attending these classes but left to the parents they have given them a good tool and time will tell if it was worth it.
If you grew up in penury or you watched your parents struggle to make ends meet, you vow you never want to go through this or even allow your kids experience it at all. You buy your kids anything they want; you take them out regularly and spoil them with treats. They grow up thinking life is a bed of roses till they discover it’s not as easy as they have been brought up to think.
Some others even invest almost all their earnings in aggressive investments for the future and no extra spending in the present. They don’t go on holidays or even eat out once in a while. They tell you to save for the rainy day and do all they can to avoid any luxury. Their kids end up working so hard and not even enjoying the benefits this hard-earned wealth brings.
Many who paid a lot to study overseas or who never could save up now do all they can to ensure their kids have foreign nationalities. They wonder why their kids should go through so much stress when things are a lot easier these days. Maybe that’s foresight or lessons learned looking hindsight, many now have dual citizenships waiting for the opportunity to take full advantage of that right or relinquish at such a time they can’t keep up with tax declarations year in and out.
Gone are the days when parents would boast of a house full of kids, now the new normal is having a small family. Many people are getting wiser these days; they realize that quality of life is of more value than the quantity of stuff you’ve got. It’s not how much but how well. Don’t go too far to ask, many parents want to give their kids the best education they can afford and still go away on holidays as often as they can with extra to spare on treats.
If you grew up in a large family and got used to hand-me-downs, you are sure to detest that and want to make sure your kids have the best you can afford. There are parents who replace their kids’ bags, shoes and clothes ever so often. Even if it’s still new, as long as it’s a new term, they want their kids to have a new look. They can’t stand the wear and tear of anything as this reminds them of their past.
The other day, I took my kids out to play but I was told this particular play area wasn’t opened that day as a party was planned. One wonders why someone would spend over a million naira to celebrate her daughter’s first birthday. Besides waiting for so many years before she had this child, who is now so special, this parent also might never had celebrated her birthday growing up and now this is an opportunity to and she’s going all out for these obvious reasons.
Whether you decide to work or stay at home, your choices are also driven by your past. One mum says she watched her mum struggle to raise her six siblings with little or no support from her father. She grows up with a determination not to depend on any man and earn her own cash so she works and puts in thirty five years of meritorious service and provides adequately for her kids.
On the other hand, another mum grew up with all that money could buy but missed out on the quality time and attention from her parents since they were so busy at work. She vows to stay at home and grow with the kids and manage whatever income her husband makes. Two mums, different pasts and different outlook on life.
Some other mums who were abandoned by their busy parents and left to be raised by nannies and drivers want to do something different. They didn’t like the influence these external helps had on their childhood and don’t want history repeated. They now have a DIY mentality and do all their housework themselves. They also want to maintain their privacy and bar these strangers from having access to their kids
That’s why you don’t judge anyone as you don’t know their full story – where they are coming from, what they are currently grappling with and where they are headed. Our past should inspire and challenge us to greater heights and not limit us or put us back in a cave we thought we had left.
If you’ve always wanted to go back to school or learn a new language or musical instrument, you can still sign up as long as you’ve got your brain. Don’t make your kids study for a PhD if they really don’t want to when it’s really you who needs to. Let them have a say on which extracurricular activities they want to get involved in and if they aren’t making any progress or don’t enjoy it, don’t force them even if you stand the chance of losing the money spent so far.
Let’s seek the greater good of our kids and not put them under unnecessary pressure trying to be us. It’s too bad if time has moved on and we couldn’t do all what we wanted to but let’s release our kids from these expectations to become what God has called them to be.
Contributed by Ayo Iyiola-Olumide
Photo Source: theprayingwoman.com, huffingtonpost, wchbnewsdetriot.newsone.com
