Please introduce your self?
My name is Iheoma Obibi, I am an African feminist, writer, wife, mother of 2, sister, all round trouble maker vis my work on gender rights and advocacy, and more recently owner of the SME Intimate Pleasures Desires of the Heart.
I have an MA with distinction in Communications Policy Studies from City University, London and a first degree on African Women in the Third World from North East London Polytechnic (now University of East London). I dropped out of the Phd I started at University of Warwick after two years it just was not working with my commuting to Warwick from London, my new baby and my job which involved a lot of traveling at the time. Still considering going back to finish it off but not sure I have enough time…….. if only.
What can I say about my background, I am the child of a survivor of domestic violence and that is how my passion for the rights of women came into being. I just knew from an early age I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to help women. Someone has to stick their necks out to advocate on behalf of women too frightened to do anything. That is where my passion comes from.
What do you do?
In my day job, I am the Executive Director of Alliances for Africa, an international NGO working on the human rights of women through legislative advocacy, promotion and the protection of women’s human rights and other strategic entry points. I am also a consultant in the areas of gender mainstreaming, training, and public policy formulation. I have worked with various agencies including International Alert, Commonwealth Secretariat, OECD and a number of others.
I am also the Creative Director for Intimate Pleasures Desires of the Heart a sex-positive online adult novelty store aiming to offer the best selection of sexual health products and erotica sourced from around the world that enhance the sexual expression and sexuality of Nigerian women in intimate relationships. We offer several services, seminars around intimacy and wellness for Nigerian women, counselling services, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and special hampers for those special occasions. We are a holistic service for women and their partners on sexual well-being, intimacy and health.
What is your view on the Nigerian Woman’s Voice?
Do we have a voice as women in Nigeria? Let’s be honest with ourselves. We are lost in the piety of religious doctrine and being perceived as “good and responsible women” we are no longer able to make or even take a decision on a topic or issue we feel strongly about because we do not want to go against the grain. We do not want to be perceived as different from the others. Every day I am asked, why do I publicly declare that I am an African feminist. I do not need to tell anyone, just keep it to yourself and my response is always the same. I need to create the space for others to not be afraid of speaking their minds. So yes I am an African feminist because it gives me the framework to understand and articulate my concerns in the knowledge that my voice will be part of a change in our community. Every day, my husband is told, that your “crazy wife” and every day I just think to myself, woa! For having a voice, am now crazy.
How can we Women make changes?
To be able to have a voice we as Nigerian women need to stop looking at others to “affirm” our belief in ourselves and our capabilities. There has to be a concerted effort to raise young women to be confident and have self-assurance of their very worth as human beings. Often times, I see young women who are incapable of making any decision that concerns them or their self-development but have left it to someone else to do on their behalf. Often times, the decisions that person makes for you is not the best and may or may-not make you unhappy.
We must always say it as it is. What do I mean, we all know someone who beats his wife. In fact, you may have a reader who is in this situation right now but has never identified herself as a victim because it does not happen every day. She does not necessarily want to “scatter her marriage” as is said here but her friends should be honest and not pretend it does not happen. This is what I mean by saying it as it is. I am aware that this is very difficult here in a societal climate where no one wants to “rock the boat” when things go wrong.
In our tiny little spaces, we should always aim to be a change agent in our spheres of influence. Sometimes, it is just a tiny space but we can negotiate and manuver our way as women using informal and formal channels of communications. I know how many places I have been to using these very same informal channels of mediation using the networks of women as sisters (those married into one village or cousins twice removed or one aunty knowing off or one big aunty whose ex-husband was so and so) you get the drift. It does work and it is possible.
Be positive because we all have daughters and they are the future. We need to equip them with the skills set to succeed because patriarchy is a bummer. It’s not going to change soon.
On to the softer side – What are some of the intimacy issues that Nigerian women face with their spouses?
The myriad of intimacy issues Nigerian women face in their relationships as with everything else comes down to some intrinsically basic assumptions about our perceptions of marriage, desire to get married and expectations in marriage. For those women who got “married because the time was right”, many of these did not negotiate their comfort zones with their husbands. Some now find that after two or three kids, intimacy is not as it used to be, maybe his penis was small and has now shrunk with age or he never was able to reach that “g-spot” which now leaves you sexually dis-satisfied and a lack of communication compounds the problem. A few men will call the advice line and make it clear that there are certain sexual acts they would rather their girl-friends do and not their wives the mother of their children. It’s a very confusing scenario for many couples, resulting in frustration and in some extreme cases infidelity.
What are some tips you have in general for LagosMums on intimacy?
Effective communications for both partners are keys to a successful relationship. If you find that after you’ve had children your body has changed (this is very common) and what used to turn you on no longer applies, you better let him know so that he can try other tricks to get you going. Remember, it takes women longer to climax than men so fore-play is very important to getting a women’s engine going.
Taking time out to have “husband and wife” dates. To the movies, this is important to ensuring you demonstrate your love and commitment to each other. Does not have to be every day but could be every few weeks and you both rekindle how it used to be before all the hustle and bustle of parenting took over.
Can you share your Contact details?
Intimate Pleasures Desires of the Heart www.myintimatepleasureshop.com can also be purchased on www.konga.com/intimate-pleasures
Twitter: @naijadesires Gplus: gplus.to/naijadesires Facebook: www.facebook.com/naijadesires Instagram: www.instagram.com/naijadesires BB pin: 75067840 Tel: 0818 480 8686
