“I don’t know what is wrong with Esther, she’s always acting up”
“Tayo won’t even listen to me, he has suddenly become a force to be reckoned with”
“What can I do, my child doesn’t talk to me”
If this is you as a parent then you’re not alone. Children, especially teenagers usually do not want to confide in their parents because they are convinced they won’t understand.
Trust me, they want to talk to you about the really important stuff – Life changing decisions, the beliefs and ideas that make them who they are, sexuality, mental health, risk taking, drinking, relationships, friendships, career plans…you name it. But it’s not easy for them especially if they have never been close to you. This is one of the reasons why they are always acting up.
Below are 7 things your child wants you to know but can’t tell you:
1. There’s too much pressure on them
There’s pressure on them all the time, to do well at school,keep good grades, figuring out what to do after high school, maintaining family relationships and trying to fit in. For them, it’s a lot. They need their parents to be understanding. Not everyone is tough and some need more support because they are more sensitive.
2. They need your help
Adolescents don’t instinctively know how to grow into healthy adults but they’re in a rush to grow up. In order to actually grow up instead of just acting grown up, teens need guidance from their parents. Children with caring, involved parents are well-equipped to grow into happy, productive adults.
3. They need you to be present in their lives.
By setting and enforcing rules, parents give children predictability and structure, as well as a way to combat peer pressure. As children grow up, left to their own devices, teens often do whatever it takes to be accepted by other teens, which might include falling in with the wrong crowd, getting in trouble with the law and failing in school. Without your caring oversight, teens are left feeling isolated and alone.
Teens recognize that a lot of times parents avoid rather than confront them. “If you really care about your kid, you may have to do some tough parenting.” Teens honestly want their parents to parent them! Don’t give them the opportunity to go against your rules because “my parents don’t care, they won’t do anything”. Spend time to educate them about the world and things to be apprehensive of instead of just restricting them.
4. Times have changed
You may think you know what it’s like to be a child — after all, you once were one. But times have changed, and a new breed of pressures and dangers are facing your teen. Betrayal by friends happens younger; sex idrinking can start as early as middle school; gambling is available to anyone on the Internet; and alcohol, marijuana and prescription drugs are hardly considered dangerous anymore (even though they are actually more dangerous than ever). Remember that the issues are the same but circumstances are different.
You may know what it was like to be a teenager — but your child knows what it’s like to be a teenager today. Rather than making assumptions, talk to your teen about what’s happening at school and in their relationships. Not only can you learn a few things from your teens, but they can make you a stronger, more compassionate person if you let them.
[Tweet “your child knows what it’s like to be a teenager today”]
5. Stop shouting! Start communicating!
Parents do not realize that children really listen to them and care about the things they are taught. But when you’re shouting, they “zone out”.
Too often parents say one thing and do another. Children do what they see, rather than what they’re told. It is important to live out your values. The things they do reflects more on your parenting than it does on them. You tell your kids to have clean language, yet you use foul language. You tell them not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, yet they participate in those behaviors. Why?
6. It’s not always about the punishment
Children wish their parents would use the situations they get themselves in (mistakes) as teachable moments instead of exclusively disciplinary opportunities. Of course they expect there to be consequences, but use those times to teach too. Children really want to go to their parents and be transparent. They understand that parents may be disappointed but that’s different than parents being harsh and judgmental.
7. Being a teenager is pretty hard.
Teenagers realize that they are not always easy to deal with and they don’t like it any better than parents do. Teenagers are in a new territory and they can be pretty emotional due to hormonal changes in their bodies and social situations. Their bodies are changing and they often feel insecure about it. At this stage, everything about life is confusing.
The one thing they need to know never changes is that they have their parents unconditional love.
The important thing is for you to communicate with your teenager. Even the “good ones” act out once in a while. Most teenagers want to feel safe and comfortable sharing details of their lives with their parents but are too worried about the repercussions. Some conversations should come with a content warning. Hearing them can be shocking; some challenge our values, or our long-held beliefs about who our children are or should be. But this is what makes their stories all the more important to hear. They need you.
[Why is adolescent health care important?]
