Am I seen? Am I worthy? Do I matter?

Am I Seen? Am I Worthy? Do I Matter?

Dear Parents & Guardians,

I write this with a very heavy heart. Prior to the email I got from my daughter recently (excerpt is below), I had been dealing with a few issues which had culminated into great heartfelt dismay…

She wrote:
“Good evening parents, l am not sure whether or not the awful news has reached you yet. But a 15 year old boy in my Lagos social circle was found dead on a soccer field yesterday. Apparently it was suicide.”

This is such a tragedy….May his soul find rest with his maker.

[Read: Suicide is never an option, don’t miss the signs]

As parents/guardians, we all have expectations for our children/ward which is completely normal but in doing so; we need to strive for a balance and ask ourselves introspectively …what expectations do these children/ward have of themselves and furthermore, of us?

Some children find their parents conduct, character or general behavior appalling. They may not be enthralled with our dress sense or the way we relate to or treat people. Although they came into the world through us, we must remember that they are individuals in their own right. They have their own spirit, soul, body, purpose and will.

Am I seen? Am I worthy? Do I matter?

We ought to nurture children in an atmosphere of openness, love, friendship, respect, affirmation and correction. It’s no more an era of ‘being seen and not heard’ neither is it the ‘because I say so’ dispensation. They want answers and some level of understanding to the happenings around them. For instance, they want to know: why are their parents getting a divorce? why do they have to change schools? why are they moving house or relocating etc.

To achieve a strong bond, understanding and rapport with our children, we must be able to provide some form of answers or at least proffer explanations within reason to abate their ‘questioning minds’ and give them succour. We must also realize that we are not the absolute solution providers or problem solvers to our children. However, we must strive to develop strategies in decoding them and relating to them based on their character traits.

Although it’s ideal to bring up every child in a family with the same values, we cannot handle them in the same ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. When they are younger, they should be molded and directed even if they exhibit some defiant traits and as the good Book says: “train up a (your) child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it”.

As children grow older and pass through phases, they may build walls or have strained relationships with their parents in a bid to assert their independence. At this point, we must develop strategies in breaking the wall or any other form of defiance. I’ve seen instances where children open up to relatives, parent’s close friends or other people that they easily connect with. Sometimes, I also have been able to get information about any of my children through their siblings or cousins. This helps in getting to know what is happening with them which they may not have mentioned to me prior to that point in time.

In this current dispensation, utilising some parameters with which we were raised may not necessarily work in raising children which we now have. If we have not developed a connection from the early days, there isn’t a ‘magic wand’ which would rectify that situation when they are all grown up.

Someone says we must develop shock absorbers to some things that we will find out about our children. What we hear them say or do as surprises are bound to spring up even from the ‘ best behaved’ child. Sometimes, this ‘surprises’ is just a journey of self- discovery. The role of the parent is to pray ceaselessly, correct firmly in love, nurture and communicate.

As children go through various developmental phases in their lives, we must endeavour to adapt our methods of relating to and schooling them to reflect each stage/phase. It is never a ‘one-size-fits-all’ answer. We often hear people say that there is no manual for parenting as we learn on the job.

Having said that, there are people that we can always call upon based on experience and expertise, bearing in mind the adage that “it takes a whole village to raise a child”. A top tip which would go a long way will be the parents’ ability to unlearn some erroneous doctrines that have held us bound in the past and allow ourselves to be of a teachable spirit as well.

When our first child got her college offers, we were quick to tell her the University we wanted her to attend. However, she had another University in mind but we would not hear of it as we were of the mindset that as long as we are her parents and we are footing the bill, then it should be our choice! How wrong we were!!! For a child that does not say much, she did not hold back in asking us why we did not involve her or ask for her views on such an important matter at a crucial phase of her life. She then proceeded to state her points and laid out all the reasons why she made that choice. She further gave all her findings about the privileges available to her on the basis of being a black female.

Firstly, it made us see our vulnerability as parents. Secondly, it opened our eyes to see her as someone who could hold her own. She further gave us timelines and deliverables on what she was pursuing and told us that if she does not achieve them, she was going to go with our choice. She met the timeline, achieved her goal and exceeded our expectations by receiving a form of academic Scholarship and the rest as they say is history. We felt proud as parents and accorded her the respect she had obviously earned.

This singular situation reiterated to us as parents that we must never assume we have all the answers. We need to admit our mistakes, apologize when we are wrong, show respect and appreciation to our children.

We need to do some soul -searching and ask ourselves, what are we missing? What are we not paying attention to? What are the signs we are ignoring in the lives of our children? There is a real possibility that they feel lonely in the midst of the noise and chaos of society. They may not see or feel the love of the people so close. But they crave the connection, self-worth or validation of virtual friends. They have built internal walls and communication is now through emojis, abbreviations or one syllable answers. They sometimes feel judged, bitter and misunderstood.

A friend’s daughter called from the University and told her mum that she felt lonely on her birthday. None of her friends wished her birthday greetings or came to her room. The fact that her mum’s call came in late also upset her. The silver lining in that instance was that she was able to express her hurt to her mum. And she did not internalize it or let some form of resentment fester. We should allow children to speak, expressing themselves within their own capabilities. We as parents/guardians have the bonus of listening and ‘hearing’ these precious gifts of God.

There is a pressing need to pay adequate attention as we shouldn’t ignore anything or sweep it under the carpet. We ought to use words of affirmation as and when required, give them ‘space’ yet be in their ‘space’. Keep talking but allow for their own form of expression, celebrate their efforts and not just their achievements. They also need to hear about our own experiences and those of others.

In conclusion, while we are thankful for these precious children, we must also recognize that there is no panacea for the times and seasons we live in. However ,we should be determined to do all we can to make our next generation a beacon of hope to a seemingly ‘dying world’!

Till next time….remember to Live, Laugh, Love & Pray

Contributed by Abimbola Somolu who resides in Lagos. She is a certified couples and children’s counselor. She is the director of Playhouse Children Centre and a writer.

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