Diary Adventures of LagosMums: DALM | Needy Mum Needy Children
I was watching Supernanny today and the famous tough all knowing nanny was spending time with a family trying to equip the parents with tips and techniques to be more effective parents.
The part I caught showed the nanny teaching the mother how to ensure that her four year old daughter slept in her own room in her own bed through the night.
The nanny was coaching the mother to apply tough love which included speaking firmly and insisting that her daughter returns and sleeps in her own bed, refusing to get her an alternative blanket and requesting that the daughter goes to the “calm corner” aka naught corner (at 4am in the morning) for not obeying the going to bed and staying in bed till the morning rule.
Of course there was a lot of crying and the technique did come across as a bit harsh. I still have toddlers who come into my room now and then and I am not sure I can be as tough as the nanny was recommending. Anyways by the morning at wakeup time the little girl had done what her mum thought was un-doable she had slept in her own bed. The nanny used this to explain to he mum that the girl at 4 is old enough and capable enough to spend the night in her own bed.
While I was having an Aha moment thinking that we need to just learn to be firmer with our children, I noticed that the dialogue continued and it showed the mum quite upset as she and the nanny discussed the success of getting the little girl to sleep through the night and the other independent actions of the other children.
The mum was surprisingly quite upset and not as happy as I would have imagined considering the positive behaviours in her children. She eventually confessed that she was worried that the children getting all grown up and independent would not need her anymore! Bahm! The mum was worried and scared that she would not be needed by her children as they got more independent. Weird reaction or somewhat normal?
Of course the nanny counselled her and told her that the children will always need her, having needy children is not the only measure that a mother is necessary. The nanny went on to mention that the style of the mother is so instrumental to having children grow up to be independent (at the right time).
It got me thinking that how many mums and parents knowingly or unknowingly encourage neediness in children because it makes us feel more secure in our roles as mums/parents and gives us a comfort that our children need us?
Encouraging children to be needy in ways that are not appropriate per age or stage of the child is not showing love but actually smothering the child’s development.
We should all think about this! If your child can change his or her clothes perfectly well, why do we still say “let me change for you?”, do we still shower or ask a nanny to shower for a child who is old enough to hold a sponge and bathe his or herself? It has made me rethink things I do for my children.There are many facets to being a mum and keeping our children needy (knowingly or unknowingly) is not the way to insure motherhood.
This is to the start of a more independent week! Let us encourage our children to be independent according to their age and stage.
photo source: babble.com
