I’m sure someone’s wondering what keeping the marriage alive has to do with motherhood. Sorry to burst your bubble, the quality of your marriage has a great deal to do with how well your children turn out.
If you are not sure, just do a survey. Children from divorced homes find it harder to deal with certain circumstances. Some have to deal with the guilt of being responsible for their parents’ divorce. Some are so desperate for attention that they play on their parents’ emotions to get whatever they want. Girls that have seen their mothers fend for themselves have no idea what a father figure is like and find it difficult to be vulnerable with their husbands. Young men that have never seen a marriage work have no idea how to keep a home together. Even parents that stayed together in a turbulent marriage give their children the impression that a marriage is to be endured and not be enjoyed. The quality of your marriage directly affects the kind of children you raise.
The principle is simple really. We are all a product of our backgrounds. What you produce is what you’ve seen happen around you day in, day out. If a boy grows up to see his father hit his mother, chances are that he will hit his wife too. He might not necessarily like it but his human system has become conditioned to accept that lifestyle as normal. There are of course some exceptions, but the former is the generally the case.
We produce wholesome children if we provide them with a wholesome environment to grow. One way to test if you are on the right track is to ask yourself if you would want your children’s marriages to be like yours. Some answers may be “yes”, some may be” no” and some may be in “some areas”.
Many people have defined love as a feeling in your stomach that gives you butterflies and makes you look starry eyed. While I believe that you should be attracted and have strong feelings for your spouse, I have come to realize that those butterfly feelings are not what sustains marriage, the act of love does.
Love is patient, kind, forgiving, always thinks of the best, is kind, does not envy, is not prideful, is not rude, is not selfish, is not easily provoked, does not rejoice in wrong doing, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.
Different people are in different phases of marriage. Some are probably just starting out and are still dovey eyed and unaware of challenges that life will throw at you. Marriage I believe is one of the most beautiful things that happens in a person’s life, but it has to be nurtured. It is in these attributes stated above that marriage is truly nurtured. Are you kind? Do you easily forgive or do you keep record of wrongs? Is it always about you? The early years of marriage is the time to apply these well tested principles and to ensure that your marriage truly becomes the one of your dreams.
Some are in the phase of just being tired. They’ve been married for a while and just couldn’t care less. They are worn out and all the spark in the marriage is gone. Well I have news from you. Good marriages just don’t happen, they are worked at. Maybe you should spend more time together, remember what drew you together in the first place. Are you still genuinely concerned about your spouse or are you just overwhelmed with life? Take a break and spend some time together. The main purpose is to bond, be friends again and truly love again, based on the principles stated above.
There are some who have probably given up on their marriage. Maybe they are on their way to being separated or getting a divorce. It is sad when I see things like this happen because it means that two people have decided that there is no way they can mend what is broken between them and they won’t even try again. I don’t know the circumstances of what led to where you are right now, but sometimes help is just by the corner. Maybe giving it one more chance will make a difference.
The bedrock of a happy marriage in the end is friendship. I watch older couples who have been married for a while and I see in some, well tested friendship. They can talk for hours, laugh together and just enjoy being in each other’s company. When you speak to these couples, you hear loads and loads of advice. One of the most popular ones I’ve heard is “don’t stop being friends.”
My question to you is; “Is your spouse still your best friend?” Your marriage is one of the best ways to truly bring up children. Children see forgiveness first hand, they see kindness play out, they see you being patient and they see you believing the best. They see the essence of true character.
It’s not the things we say that mold children. It is what they see. You have an opportunity to mold your children properly by helping them see what true marriage looks like.
Contributed by Sola Agudah
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